eternal winter of the soul

I'm never one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I sort of disdain those who overshare on social media sites. From my perspective they are begging for attention. But in reality maybe they are asking for help and support. Like I should be.

I am in another one of my lows. It seems I ride high for a few months and manage to keep myself thinking positively and focusing on various projects and distractions.

However, there can be triggers and reminders of just how long we've been waiting for our own child. 

It can be an unexpected pregnancy announcement, a beautiful picture of a baby, or just a well-meaning remark that stings my sensitive little heart.

And all over again, the sadness and the disappointments well up all over again. Why must we keep waiting? Why does my heart keep hurting and longing for a child? God, why are you answering (seemingly) everyone else's prayers but not mine? 

There's no way to fully describe this feeling. It's sort of like a raw and aching wound that will partially close up but can be opened up again in a second. There's also a cold feeling deep inside. Sort of like the eternal winter of the soul.

Many people tell me they keep prayin for me and for our future baby.  I'm thankful they have faith when I most certainly don't.

So in this season of winter, I write this message to you, my future child....

I love you so very much. You are so deeply wanted. I've been waiting for you for what seems like forever.

I don't know yet if you are a boy or a girl. I don't know if your eyes or blue, green or brown. I don't know if you will grow to be tall and play sports like your Dad or be a little short artistic person like me. You may have similar traits or personalities to us but your genes will be all yours. We will learn together to navigate the world of adoption, family, birthmoms and birthdads, rejection and love, abandonment and deep longing to belong and be loved. My hope is you always feel you can talk to us about anything and everything and no issue is taboo. Our family will be about openness, honesty and trust. After all, honesty is a value that drew your Dad and I together way back when.

I long for the day when I can hold you in my arms and kiss your sweet face and let you know how loved you are. Give you hugs and kisses as a toddler. Walk you through all the issues that being in elementary school bring - from a scraped knee to a big test to piano lessons to a fight wih your best friend. And as you grow up and face junior/high school and face identity and self-esteem issues, I will be there too, gently reminding you that I love you and care and want to listen. I hope above all, no matter who or what you become- that you know how deeply you are loved.