eternal winter of the soul

I'm never one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I sort of disdain those who overshare on social media sites. From my perspective they are begging for attention. But in reality maybe they are asking for help and support. Like I should be.

I am in another one of my lows. It seems I ride high for a few months and manage to keep myself thinking positively and focusing on various projects and distractions.

However, there can be triggers and reminders of just how long we've been waiting for our own child. 

It can be an unexpected pregnancy announcement, a beautiful picture of a baby, or just a well-meaning remark that stings my sensitive little heart.

And all over again, the sadness and the disappointments well up all over again. Why must we keep waiting? Why does my heart keep hurting and longing for a child? God, why are you answering (seemingly) everyone else's prayers but not mine? 

There's no way to fully describe this feeling. It's sort of like a raw and aching wound that will partially close up but can be opened up again in a second. There's also a cold feeling deep inside. Sort of like the eternal winter of the soul.

Many people tell me they keep prayin for me and for our future baby.  I'm thankful they have faith when I most certainly don't.

So in this season of winter, I write this message to you, my future child....

I love you so very much. You are so deeply wanted. I've been waiting for you for what seems like forever.

I don't know yet if you are a boy or a girl. I don't know if your eyes or blue, green or brown. I don't know if you will grow to be tall and play sports like your Dad or be a little short artistic person like me. You may have similar traits or personalities to us but your genes will be all yours. We will learn together to navigate the world of adoption, family, birthmoms and birthdads, rejection and love, abandonment and deep longing to belong and be loved. My hope is you always feel you can talk to us about anything and everything and no issue is taboo. Our family will be about openness, honesty and trust. After all, honesty is a value that drew your Dad and I together way back when.

I long for the day when I can hold you in my arms and kiss your sweet face and let you know how loved you are. Give you hugs and kisses as a toddler. Walk you through all the issues that being in elementary school bring - from a scraped knee to a big test to piano lessons to a fight wih your best friend. And as you grow up and face junior/high school and face identity and self-esteem issues, I will be there too, gently reminding you that I love you and care and want to listen. I hope above all, no matter who or what you become- that you know how deeply you are loved. 

almost a year in

well....the other day we received a letter which andrew promptly ripped into. 

And... it was simply a letter affirming our wait on the domestic list here in Saskatchewan. bright side: we are getting communication from the ministry. dark side: we are still waiting with absolutely no end in sight. 

It doesn't really matter how many times you get told that the wait is a few years... It still is hard to wait. It feels like ages already. Couple 6 years of TTC and a year on the adoption list.... And I feel like it will never happen.

For any of those adoptive moms out there... Does the time melt away once your child comes along? Do you feel like you ever resent your child for taking your free time away all of a sudden? Sometimes I worry that I have romanticized how it will feel to actually have OUR child with us, in our day to day lives and be with us forever.

And then I usually remind myself that somehow and in someway God has "set aside" a special little person exactly right for me and andrew. 

and another one

i don't really have any words to describe what i feel on this mother's day. so i wanted to direct everyone to this amazing post by an adoptive mommy, misty. she sort of says everything that i am clinging to today.

"Dear Mothers-in-Waiting"

the blogger says:

This is my first Mother’s Day and my heart is feeling so many things. I am overjoyed because of what God has done, but I pray I will never forget from where I came! I pray I will never forget year, after year, sitting in church on Mother’s Day Sunday weeping tears of despair. I will never forget God’s arms wrapped tightly around me, whispering, “For I know the plans have for you! They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope!”

 somedays it feels like i'll be waiting forever.

and then she adds this amazing piece:

So, Mother’s-to-be, know that today your Abba is holding you and preparing for you far better than you can imagine! Keep waiting with great expectation of what He will do!

 

it's been a year

this past week i realized - whoa! it's been a year that andrew shockingly told me that he was 'ready' to adopt. ready to move forward in this journey of building our family. i remember feeling flooded with joy, my mind immediately buzzing with possibilities and new dreams coming to life. a whole year since then!

since then, i've educated myself with a variety of books, blogs and websites. i've been able to meet some new friends who are in the process of adoption (international and domestic) and we're working on creating/maintaining a monthly support group for ourselves.

we also came to the conclusion that international adoption just didn't feel like the right direction for us, and we committed to domestic adoption here in our province for now. we may or may not decide to pursue international at some point.

it's been a great year. somewhere along the line, i decided i was going to stop 'wasting' my 30's and moaning and groaning the fact that our child isn't here yet, and i was going to live life to the fullest. and ENJOY life. here's a quote that kept coming back to me.

i was letting life slip past my fingers and couldn't see the moments i was living in, were WORTH living for.

here i have this amazing husband, great job, cozy home, incredible + caring friends, loving + supportive family, etc etc and i'm letting my envy and jealousy and COMPARING rob me of that.

no more!

so, this year i've decided to start LIVING again.

i am pursuing music as hard as i can. trying to sing more and force myself on the piano as much as possible. maybe even write some music.

taking a break from a few things ministry wise, and focus on the things that truly inspire me, like relationships, people and loving the amazing people around me.

andrew and i are both eating well (paleo, if you care to know ;) and we JUST joined a local CrossFit (google if you care to know!) it's SO much fun to have a hobby to enjoy together. (something we've been trying to find for years!)

lastly, i am so excited for this next chapter of life for us. we don't know how or when schroeder junior will join our family but it's inevitable. as we launch into some basement renos, it gives me a sense of joy and maybe some 'nesting-y' emotions - we are getting ready and preparing for this next season.

i am so excited about adopting. every month i fall more and more in love with adoption. it's scary, challenging, ugly, full of love, and completely beautiful. i'm hoping to post soon and try to expand on why i love it so much.

adoption has (over time) become our first choice and we are looking forward to what this new year could bring.

got in

well, we were accepted into the Domestic Program here in Saskatchewan in mid November. Yay! I guess we don't seem too scary. ha ha.

the wait time is currently 2-5 years for an adoption, but of course, could be shorter or could be longer. This all depends on so many factors. Another possibility is through a private adoption. feel free to email me or leave a comment if you're curious about that.

One bonus is that the Ministry of Social Services now allows waiting adoptive parents to be on both Domestic and International lists. In other words, we could apply to an International country in the meantime, and if a referral came in, our Domestic file would be suspended if that adoption went through.

Some people have asked me if we can apply for adoption WITHIN Canada.  Yes, technically we can. Of course, the children available in other provinces are typically on the waiting children's list. They are older and may have minor to severe special needs. Since we don't currently feel we are ready to adopt an older child or one with special needs, this wouldn't be ideal for us.


it's hard to process thinking of yet another 5 years of waiting. I'm trying hard not to think of it in terms of years... mostly I try to take it one day at a time and try to enjoy the time we have without kids (and sleep!)

thanks for checking in.