and.. it's a new year!

That came so quickly. Another year. And my last post was ALMOST a year ago. There have been many times through this past year when I've thought, "Hey I should blog about this!" or .."Ugh. I really should update our blog." The first thought excitement, the latter guilt. Where/how do we get these silly feelings of guilt over a BLOG POST? At the end of the day, who really cares? Yes, yes, I know you - dear reader - care. But I trust you all know me enough to catch up as needed and check in on me when I come to mind - as I try to do with all of my dear friends.

Anyways, looking back - it's been a great year. Thinking back to last January- I recall that one of my goals for 2014 for was to emotionally and mentally healthier. Maybe not completely FIXED but at least better. The stresses and the ups and downs of life seem to affect me and throw me off more than - say my husband. When the stress of work, relationships, marriage, adoption or whatever weighs on me - it tends to affect my sleep and mental well being. And I wanted to CHANGE and grow. I feel like I DID change and grow somewhat. YAY!

The tidal waves of anxiety seemed to mount up in August and I knew I had to seek out help. Thankfully a new friend has been meeting with me on and off since late summer and we've been talking and praying through things that have helped me immensely.

And it's weird, because as soon as I started to see results - I wanted to claim it was ME. Or essential oils (yes, I'm on the bandwagon!). But I think when I finally put a name to it - and said - Hey, God - it's YOU fixing me. It's you cleaning out the clutter and deep dark places in my soul. It's YOU taking the broken pieces in my life and the sad memories and the things that I've buried deep and replacing them with wide open places and deep, fresh breaths and giving me a glimmer of hope and peace for the future.

And I felt that as soon as I'd given the glory back to God (such a simple thing to do) everything seemed to click into place. Not that my life is perfect or together or great most days. But just by passing on the glory to Him, it felt like suddenly, quietly, mysteriously my life started to course correct properly.

So this year has been good. I've felt more myself in many ways than a long time. Enjoying life again. Pursuing music again. Allowing myself to laugh. Allowing myself to grieve and BE angry sometimes. Giving myself permission to be... happy.

cuz i can be a dummy at times!

if you are in the lo-o-o-ong adoption process of waiting and waiting, one thing you know to do is to KEEP busy. rather than driving myself crazy with anxiety (what should we be doing?) or worry (what if this is the wrong path to take?) or hopelessness (will this ever happen?), i'm trying to keep BUSY.

one thing that's keeping me busy is my music. i've been singing ever since i can remember, with my family, in choirs, in church, in my bedroom, etc! A year ago, after leading a worship band for 7 years at my amazing church, i was feeling absolutely burnt out and in need of a rest. that's when i passed on the 'baton' to an amazing young lady and since have been pursuing music on a personal level. i have a gig at a coffee shop in just under a month! i'm really excited. i can't explain how good to feels to sing and let out this passion of mine. right now we (my guitarist guru dale, and i) are just doing some r&b/soul/singer-songwriter covers but i'm hoping to work on some original stuff too.

besides friends, crossfit (oh yes, i am one of those), hanging out with my husband and/or trusty pooch and the plethora of other activities, i'm also trying to keep learning about adoption and immersing myself.

one book i was pleasantly surprised by was: "adoption for dummies"! who knew!?

this little gem had a few great chapters that i wanted to share.

the first, of course, being "Doing Hard Time: The Wait". A few helpful tips I found were looking for a doctor, getting a room ready (noooot sure if i want to jump at this too quickly), taking parenting classes, working on an adoption announcement and an adoption memory book, and educating myself.

the other chapter i absolutely loved was "God Bless the Birthmothers".  this chapter started off blasting myths and setting the record straight. Birthmothers are many varying races. They've been college students, school dropouts and master-degreed. They've been married and single, fat and thin, tall and short, wealthy and poor.

"A birthmother could be the girl next door, your cousin, your co-worker or even your mother. She doesn't wear a scarlet letter to identify herself, and she's not easily recognizable. You probably know one."

I love that. I wonder about our birthmom(s) and what our relationship will be like. I WANT it to be open and healthy and respectful. i try to remember to pray for her often, wherever she is, whatever she's doing.

To continue, here are some other myths that are blasted:

Myth 1: Most are Teenagers (not true, average age is mid 20's)
Myth 2: She "doesn't want" her child. (couldn't be further from the truth. they love them so much, but due to so many factors, can't parent them)
Myth 3: They're monsters who don't care for their children (ummmm nope.)


And who she is to our child is a key in how their identity will be formed.

"A young child might refer to his birthmother as "my birth mommy", "my birthy lady", "the lady who grew me in her tummy", or many other variations.  Some children refer to their birthmother by her first name. But, whever they call her, she's an important person in their lives."

last summer we had the opportunity to chat with a family member who has adopted twice. both of the family's experiences with birthmoms were quite different. and as they related their story to us, and looked back on the experience - they realized that having close(r) contact with their child's birthmom ended up being healthier in the long run.

i don't know what life will look like for us in the future, but i desire to be fully open with our child and make adoption an inclusive and positive part of our family's speech. i want to have a relationship with our birthmom and her to have a relationship with our child.

and while we wait.... we hope. and pray.

eternal winter of the soul

I'm never one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I sort of disdain those who overshare on social media sites. From my perspective they are begging for attention. But in reality maybe they are asking for help and support. Like I should be.

I am in another one of my lows. It seems I ride high for a few months and manage to keep myself thinking positively and focusing on various projects and distractions.

However, there can be triggers and reminders of just how long we've been waiting for our own child. 

It can be an unexpected pregnancy announcement, a beautiful picture of a baby, or just a well-meaning remark that stings my sensitive little heart.

And all over again, the sadness and the disappointments well up all over again. Why must we keep waiting? Why does my heart keep hurting and longing for a child? God, why are you answering (seemingly) everyone else's prayers but not mine? 

There's no way to fully describe this feeling. It's sort of like a raw and aching wound that will partially close up but can be opened up again in a second. There's also a cold feeling deep inside. Sort of like the eternal winter of the soul.

Many people tell me they keep prayin for me and for our future baby.  I'm thankful they have faith when I most certainly don't.

So in this season of winter, I write this message to you, my future child....

I love you so very much. You are so deeply wanted. I've been waiting for you for what seems like forever.

I don't know yet if you are a boy or a girl. I don't know if your eyes or blue, green or brown. I don't know if you will grow to be tall and play sports like your Dad or be a little short artistic person like me. You may have similar traits or personalities to us but your genes will be all yours. We will learn together to navigate the world of adoption, family, birthmoms and birthdads, rejection and love, abandonment and deep longing to belong and be loved. My hope is you always feel you can talk to us about anything and everything and no issue is taboo. Our family will be about openness, honesty and trust. After all, honesty is a value that drew your Dad and I together way back when.

I long for the day when I can hold you in my arms and kiss your sweet face and let you know how loved you are. Give you hugs and kisses as a toddler. Walk you through all the issues that being in elementary school bring - from a scraped knee to a big test to piano lessons to a fight wih your best friend. And as you grow up and face junior/high school and face identity and self-esteem issues, I will be there too, gently reminding you that I love you and care and want to listen. I hope above all, no matter who or what you become- that you know how deeply you are loved. 

almost a year in

well....the other day we received a letter which andrew promptly ripped into. 

And... it was simply a letter affirming our wait on the domestic list here in Saskatchewan. bright side: we are getting communication from the ministry. dark side: we are still waiting with absolutely no end in sight. 

It doesn't really matter how many times you get told that the wait is a few years... It still is hard to wait. It feels like ages already. Couple 6 years of TTC and a year on the adoption list.... And I feel like it will never happen.

For any of those adoptive moms out there... Does the time melt away once your child comes along? Do you feel like you ever resent your child for taking your free time away all of a sudden? Sometimes I worry that I have romanticized how it will feel to actually have OUR child with us, in our day to day lives and be with us forever.

And then I usually remind myself that somehow and in someway God has "set aside" a special little person exactly right for me and andrew. 

and another one

i don't really have any words to describe what i feel on this mother's day. so i wanted to direct everyone to this amazing post by an adoptive mommy, misty. she sort of says everything that i am clinging to today.

"Dear Mothers-in-Waiting"

the blogger says:

This is my first Mother’s Day and my heart is feeling so many things. I am overjoyed because of what God has done, but I pray I will never forget from where I came! I pray I will never forget year, after year, sitting in church on Mother’s Day Sunday weeping tears of despair. I will never forget God’s arms wrapped tightly around me, whispering, “For I know the plans have for you! They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope!”

 somedays it feels like i'll be waiting forever.

and then she adds this amazing piece:

So, Mother’s-to-be, know that today your Abba is holding you and preparing for you far better than you can imagine! Keep waiting with great expectation of what He will do!

 

it's been a year

this past week i realized - whoa! it's been a year that andrew shockingly told me that he was 'ready' to adopt. ready to move forward in this journey of building our family. i remember feeling flooded with joy, my mind immediately buzzing with possibilities and new dreams coming to life. a whole year since then!

since then, i've educated myself with a variety of books, blogs and websites. i've been able to meet some new friends who are in the process of adoption (international and domestic) and we're working on creating/maintaining a monthly support group for ourselves.

we also came to the conclusion that international adoption just didn't feel like the right direction for us, and we committed to domestic adoption here in our province for now. we may or may not decide to pursue international at some point.

it's been a great year. somewhere along the line, i decided i was going to stop 'wasting' my 30's and moaning and groaning the fact that our child isn't here yet, and i was going to live life to the fullest. and ENJOY life. here's a quote that kept coming back to me.

i was letting life slip past my fingers and couldn't see the moments i was living in, were WORTH living for.

here i have this amazing husband, great job, cozy home, incredible + caring friends, loving + supportive family, etc etc and i'm letting my envy and jealousy and COMPARING rob me of that.

no more!

so, this year i've decided to start LIVING again.

i am pursuing music as hard as i can. trying to sing more and force myself on the piano as much as possible. maybe even write some music.

taking a break from a few things ministry wise, and focus on the things that truly inspire me, like relationships, people and loving the amazing people around me.

andrew and i are both eating well (paleo, if you care to know ;) and we JUST joined a local CrossFit (google if you care to know!) it's SO much fun to have a hobby to enjoy together. (something we've been trying to find for years!)

lastly, i am so excited for this next chapter of life for us. we don't know how or when schroeder junior will join our family but it's inevitable. as we launch into some basement renos, it gives me a sense of joy and maybe some 'nesting-y' emotions - we are getting ready and preparing for this next season.

i am so excited about adopting. every month i fall more and more in love with adoption. it's scary, challenging, ugly, full of love, and completely beautiful. i'm hoping to post soon and try to expand on why i love it so much.

adoption has (over time) become our first choice and we are looking forward to what this new year could bring.

got in

well, we were accepted into the Domestic Program here in Saskatchewan in mid November. Yay! I guess we don't seem too scary. ha ha.

the wait time is currently 2-5 years for an adoption, but of course, could be shorter or could be longer. This all depends on so many factors. Another possibility is through a private adoption. feel free to email me or leave a comment if you're curious about that.

One bonus is that the Ministry of Social Services now allows waiting adoptive parents to be on both Domestic and International lists. In other words, we could apply to an International country in the meantime, and if a referral came in, our Domestic file would be suspended if that adoption went through.

Some people have asked me if we can apply for adoption WITHIN Canada.  Yes, technically we can. Of course, the children available in other provinces are typically on the waiting children's list. They are older and may have minor to severe special needs. Since we don't currently feel we are ready to adopt an older child or one with special needs, this wouldn't be ideal for us.


it's hard to process thinking of yet another 5 years of waiting. I'm trying hard not to think of it in terms of years... mostly I try to take it one day at a time and try to enjoy the time we have without kids (and sleep!)

thanks for checking in.